What do you get when you lure a bunch of young mothers to an open bar at a party? Bedroom secrets, kid advice and a running commentary of the quirks in their husbands' character. Here's how mothers are classifying daddies, based on their delivery-room behaviour. Replenishing empty cocktail glasses has never been this much fun!
The coconut dad
Think Hulk, The Rock and Arnold Shwarzenegger. Now imagine them as a puddle next to their newborns' crib. Beneath the muscle overload, gruff voice and tough-as-nails attitude is a father who is so stunned by the miracle of birth that their baby's breath can send them flying across the room. Heartmelting for the outside observer, but exasperating for the mother who could have used some support during labour.
The Internet dad
He's the dad who knows everything about everything. He understands labour better than the screaming, contracting mother; delivery better than the mid-wife with two decades of experience. This daddy's relationship with Google is almost as strong as his feelings for his wife. You will often see Internet Daddy's wife screaming at him for arguing about epidurals mid-labour!
The nervous humour dad
This guy is so petrified about his wife going into labour and delivering an actual crying and screaming human being that he tries to cover his nervousness with humour. Which is okay until he starts making jokes about January Jones (the Mad Men star) who ate her dehydrated placenta. If you're an NHD dad, take a hint from the stormy expression on your wife's face and be cool, man.
The studio dad
He's the one hovering over the delivery bed with a camera in his wife's face while she's huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf. She may have agreed to the recording while admiring her glowing skin and silky hair, thanks to the pregnancy hormones; but having a camera pointed at her privates while she's trying to shove a person out of her body might not go down too well with her when the actual moment arrives. Unless you want to see your several-thousand-rupees contraption flung at the wall, kindly refrain.
The picture perfect dad
This dad is most easily recognisable by his pallor—he'll either be a pasty white, a sickly green or a bright puce in shock. He's the father who imagined he'll walk into the hospital with his heavily-pregnant glowing wife and walk out with a healthy, happy, peacefully sleeping baby. He hadn't bargained for his wife screaming like a banshee and the blood-covered, wrinkle-faced wailing person that was being handed to him. He's the dad you'll find lying prostrate on the delivery room floor when handed the scissors to cut umbilical cord.
The over-eager dad
His paternity leave is longer than yours and he's already equipped himself with a fake breast feeder to feed the baby your milk when you're not around. The over-eager dad is so excited to be a part of everything, that if he could, he'd deliver the baby instead of his wife. Your clue to identifying a potential over-eager dad is if he insists on wearing a pregnancy suit to 'feel what you're feeling'—ALL THE TIME!
The silent supporter dad
This daddy is a woman's dream delivery coach. Encouraging, but not overwhelming, this daddy is around when needed and blends in the background while his wife breathes through a contraction or screams obscenities that he didn't know existed in her vocabulary. He'll wipe his wife's forehead, continue holding her hand even if she is crushing his bones in a death grip and won't blink at the blood and placenta when the baby finally comes out. He's worth his weight in gold, this one.